stardust holiday
chronicles of the chronically (and voluntarily) bedridden

part of your past

31 March 2006

not only did eric dedicate his monster four hour radio program to me tonight, and mention the whole thing, but ben dedicated 'part of your past' to me... which has got to be my second favorite dreadful yawns song ever (second only to "the people and the sky", of course)


ok, that felt pretty good.

[edit] ben henry and leia played an acoustic(plus some random synthesizer of ryan's) version of the people and the sky! awesome.
22:52 :: 0 comments :: permalink

elixir is zog

it's friday night, and if you're sitting in front of the computer, you should be listening to wcsb! henry james and ben gmetro are special guests tonight, not to be missed!
22:23 :: 0 comments :: permalink

sara will kill me for this

but i did it anyway.

haha. Posted by Picasa
22:00 :: 1 comments :: permalink

suspension, day 40

 this is what i'm suspended from every day.

 if it's heavy, it's probably expensive, so don't touch anything.

 at first i got nervous about this thing. it's not going to fall on me, is it? nope. it's bolted into heavy duty concrete, among other things. so it would take a massive building failure for that to happen, and at that point, the steel cage falling on me would be the least of my worries.

 Posted by Picasa
21:56 :: 1 comments :: permalink

the elusive matt monster

well... he really IS a beast....

the matt monster is shy until provoked. here he is hiding behind sara and the sewing machine table.

sara pulls back the curtain to reveal: the matt monster! (thanks sara!)

the matt monster retreats to his den(desk) Posted by Picasa
21:46 :: 0 comments :: permalink

random pictures around the lab

  Posted by Picasa
21:44 :: 0 comments :: permalink

not only can i knit in zero gravity...

...but i'm recruiting half the team to knit with me.

i only have THIS MUCH left!

sara proudly showing off her first scarf

she's excited that she learned something new, i'm excited that i have someone else to come in and knit with me on weekends.

and here's ricki, intently working on her project. Posted by Picasa
21:40 :: 2 comments :: permalink

knitting in zeroG

Hi Erin,

I'm a contractor at NASA HQ... but more importantly, I'm a knitter & I see you are too. Are you allowed to knit? Cause I think I'd be miserable if I had 12 weeks of leisure time & knitting was off limits!

not only can i knit, (and i do, a LOT) but i can knit in "zero gravity" -grin-
  Posted by Picasa
21:29 :: 0 comments :: permalink

self suspension

 i've learned the positions of all of the ropes and carabiners, so, with the exception of the actual lifting, i can do my suspensions by myself.
  they're going to let me do it too. and they're going to time me. -grin-
 with matt and don, it's not so much a suspension, it's being FLUNG towards the ceiling. the first group was a couple of guys that were quite a bit bigger than me, so they forget and go to lift me and i'm "really light" from what they say. i'll never complain about anyone saying i'm "light".... ever. really.

  Posted by Picasa
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windy city blues

 i woke up this morning to an almost perfect morning. great temperature, nice breeze, lots of sunshine.... and if i would have been able to go outside, it would have been perfect.

but the wind got a little strong at times, and started knocking my plants over. the shamrock plant that ricki brought in for st patricks day ended up in the garbage. oops. Posted by Picasa
21:10 :: 0 comments :: permalink

Loneliness Kills, Study Shows

LiveScience.com - Loneliness Kills, Study Shows

Also, loneliness does eat at you. The morbid health effect of loneliness accumulates gradually and faster as you get older, the study found. Loneliness was worse for blood pressure than any other psychological or social factor the researchers studied.

so, ah... when are you going to come visit me? i'm not getting any younger! -grin-

(yes i am taking this out of context to suit my needs, i know that.)
20:36 :: 1 comments :: permalink

it's been a really busy day.

Hey Erin,

How did you land such a cushy job, anyway? ;)

I saw the Nasawatch post and decided to stop by and say hello. I'm working on the Constellation Program right now - the return to the Moon - aka "Vision for Space Exploration". My job is coordinating the JPL participation in the systems engineering and integration of the program, and other areas as well. I can tell you that astronaut safety, productivity and well-being are getting a lot of attention. I work with several astronauts - I'll be in Houston next week and ask them to stop by your blog. I have space exploration items in my two blogs, http://weirdfuture.blogspot.com/ and http://danger359.stumbleupon.com/

Regards, and keep up the good work!

- Dave A.

oh no! a fellow stumbler! -grin- i've had to hide my stumble toolbar so i could catch up on all the email i've gotten since yesterday.

and the "cushy job" got landed by being in the right place at the right time. they lowered the age requirement to 21 right before i contacted the study... lucky me! if it had been a month earlier, i wouldn't have even passed the initial online test, and would have never given it another thought.
20:25 :: 0 comments :: permalink

happy birthday nasawatch!

I'm glad to see that some of my readers stopped by to visit. I moved the posting up toward the top to see if I can send you a few more visitors.

Keep up the good work!

Keith Cowing
Editor, NASA Watch (10 years old today!)

SOME? -headspin- how many people read nasawatch? i've never had a high-traffic blog before, so this is all new to me. thanks for the attention though! it's the kick in the butt that i needed to really get this blog going.

psssssst: use one of the suspension pics from my flickr acct! -grin-
01:01 :: 7 comments :: permalink

day thirtynine

30 March 2006
the traffic is dying off, the day is coming to a close.... wow. every once in awhile i get a swift kick in the ass from the internet, reminding me what a vast resource of information and publicity it is.

a LOT of people from NASA saw this too. (hi!) someone got a hold of matt and they wanted to talk to me. i heard from Jim at NASA HQ in washington DC; Mark, a NASA research pilot from california; and Ryan at SpaceNow, to name a few.

i have some other writing to do for now, signing off.

now listening: mates of state - think long. (i am IN LOVE with this song.)
23:30 :: 1 comments :: permalink

as of 11pm EST


holy. cow. Posted by Picasa
23:01 :: 1 comments :: permalink


the NASAwatch snippet contained an acronym i hadn't heard before: VSE. so i went and check it out on wiki and this is what i found.

The Vision for Space Exploration is the United States space policy announced on January 14, 2004 by President George W. Bush. It is seen as a response to the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster, the state of human spaceflight at NASA, and a way to regain public enthusiasm for space exploration.
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risks and rehab

This sounds dangerous to me.

What are the risks of not getting any exercise for three months?

How much rehabilitation are you going to need at the end of 90 days?

the risks are: loss in bone density and muscle mass, which is kind of the point of the study. i'm in the control group, so i do not exercise and i have zero pressure on the bottoms of my feet for 12 weeks.

the first two weeks of rehabilitation is mandatory, but after that, they strongly recommend that i go through the entire eight weeks of physical therapy. it will take me longer to go through rehab because i'm not doing anything with my legs, but i'm young and strong and i should bounce back quickly.
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so, i've gotten all of my photos together and put them on flickr... so you don't have to go through all of my messy archives to see pictures from the ZLS suspensions or whatever else.
11:50 :: 0 comments :: permalink


official release (yes, i got approval to put this here, just in case)

Cleveland Clinic is currently conducting a 12 week Bed Rest Study which is being sponsored by NASA.

Test subjects can be male or female, between the ages of 21 and 49, non-smokers for a minimum of 6 months, within 2 standard deviations of ideal weight for their height, and in extremely good health.

During spaceflight an astronaut experiences many effects on his or her body due to the effects of microgravity. The 6 degree head down position simulates microgravity that occurs in space.

The purpose of this research study is to determine if zero gravity exercise can serve to prevent loss of bone mineral density and muscle during 12 weeks of complete bed rest, and by extension, during 12 weeks of space flight.

Subjects will spend 84 days in the Cleveland Clinic, in bed, at 6 degrees head down. 50% of the subjects will be in the control group and 50% of the subjects will be in the exercise group. The selection of control or exercise is random.

Compensation is being provided to test subjects for the Initial Screening and Testing, Training, Bed Rest and Rehabilitation. Room and board for the period of bed rest, together with initial post bed rest days, will be provided free of charge.

Here is the website with the initial eligibility survey, ~10 questions.
11:35 :: 2 comments :: permalink

traffic like, whoa. (hipsterspeak anyone?)

i ended up getting about four hours of sleep last night (this morning?) but after a groggy half hour or so, i'm awake.

and i awoke to find my blog traffic had.... doubled my daily average exploded, and it's not even noon yet. someone at NASA watch picked up on the letter i sent to cleveland scene in response to this article on human guinea pigs. suppose i should blog more often, eh?

ok, more later, including the promised flickr page and guidelines for getting into the project, if you're interested!
11:21 :: 1 comments :: permalink

not a morning person.

lately i haven't been too good about updating. or calling people back. or returning emails. so it goes.

spent a couple days holding my own during suspensions, threatening matt and don with various knitting implements and bodily harm, making fun of john's strap-on (oh god, you had to be there) don's argyle sweater and being sung to by john, matt AND don. awww. except it was like, one hit wonders from the fifties. they tried to piss me off today by bringing in buddy holly, little did they know i've got a soft spot for him and i know the words to most of his songs. take that! i got a good shot in today too, matt had said something stupid to me (imagine that!) and then had to walk around me to get something. i just swung my arm out and got him right in the chest. hard. it set me swinging and giggling. "well, matt, you can't be surprised, you walked right into that one"

it's slow going though. some days really drag on and on and on.

and it's about 3am now and i'm just starting to feel tired. i don't know what to do about this. i really dont' want to have to start taking the sleeping pills again, those made me feel miserable in the morning. but then again, being up all night makes me feel miserable in the morning.

or, i'm just simply not a morning person and every morning is miserable. blah.

mel and sara should both be back tomorrow. i hope. two more knitters to hang out and make fun of the guys with. so far i've got mel, sara, elizabeth and ricki to knit with, just here at the hospital. and more from snb. whoo!

tomorrow: the flickr account.
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Two to the 100th Power: A Simple Question

Two to the 100th Power: A Simple Question

-brain splodies-


yes, check this out.
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clevescene.com | News | NASA's Guinea Pig

29 March 2006
clevescene.com | News | NASA's Guinea Pig

hey! i got published in this week's scene magazine, in a letter i wrote in response to this article about human guinea pigs..

go me!
19:28 :: 0 comments :: permalink

you've got to be kidding me.

28 March 2006
they FINALLY came in to fix my call button.

and in the process, disconnected all of the light switches.

-rolls eyes- these idiots.......
19:16 :: 0 comments :: permalink

-thought bubble-

career in nursing?

thinking about it.

had a good conversation with john, the nurse on the floor tonight. reaffirmed (again) that my plans are heading in the right direction. (degree, good job, buying a house early, putting together my own retirement fund, etc, etc) but he pointed out that in nursing, you make a shit ton of money. a LOT of money. so it's definitely something to consider.

la, la, la. still not sleepy. erg.
01:34 :: 1 comments :: permalink


teh foood! there's so much food! this is ridiculous. i keep forgetting about things that have been taken away, things that i've set aside for later. so 1030, 11pm rolls around and a nurse asks "do you want your [insert random food item here] from [breakfast/lunch/dinner]?" blech!

gross alert:
my feet have gotten.... dry. dry is putting it lightly. i'm losing all of my hard-earned barefoot summer calluses. FORK. and all the dead skin that would have come off during daily usage of said footsies, .... well, it's not. they're rough and flaky and awful. sorry about the foot grossout, but it's gotten to the point that i had to say something about it. i won't post pictures. promise.

still losing lots of time to online games. -sigh- i'm STRONGER THAN THIS. i AM. i PROMISE.

but i just signed up for a youtube account. -rolls eyes- why do i keep doing this to myself?


so yesterday was busy and a lot of fun, suzanne from volunteer services came out and we talked for awhile.. mike came around and i got a bath in during suzannes lunch break (she has to leave, of course, when she eats. because i'll try to steal her food. ! haha) she came back and we worked on knitting/crochet projects (progress!) and then kat and suzy from stitch n bitch got here. whew! kat also brought her adorable daughter in, whose play date for the afternoon had fallen through. she had a lot to say about dubya. (holy god, that was heeeeeeeeelarious.) we hung out for a couple hours, at least. claire also left me this wonderful note:

 (translation: santa claus is real and he rides in a sleigh with reindeer!) PROSH.

then after everyone left, ricki came around to give me a ride around the hospital, just to get out of the room for a little bit. i was a little apprehensive, seeing as the last time almost ended up an adverse event report (with miles and miles of paperwork attached!) but she did really well. paul came along just to make me feel better, and was probably rolling his eyes at me the whole way. (or at ricki. they're great!) and i taught her how to knit! go me! go her! we stayed in the skyway until it was dark (and i had to pee, miles and miles from my bathroom), we hadn't even noticed the transition from daylight to artificial light.

and as far as today goes: SARA COME HOME already. holy cow, i didn't even get through one full suspension before i was threatening matt with my knitting needles. i meant it too. hah! but in all honesty, i can hold my own. in fact, the boys are having a hard time keeping up. also today: highest suspension ever. matt had to really reach to get the... the.... the big brass things that stop the cradle rope. sara (and the lab crew) knows what i'm talking about, and when i go down tomorrow i'll try to remember to get a picture.

today was supposed to be mel's first day back from vacation (she went to freaking BRAZIL. wtf.) but i guess her trip didn't go as well as planned and she got sunburned so badly that she couldn't come into work. being as fair skinned as i am, i've had this happen before. it was in gradeschool, but i still had some pretty bad problems with sunburns when teachers and/or daycare providers would forget to put sunscreen on me (and my brother for that matter) ..... ick.


eating has gotten a little easier with the schedule change. i still FORGET about food, but i've been eating more of it at meal time as opposed to letting it sit til i'm hungry. at least, i'm trying to. (hear that? i'm TRYING.) 730a/1230p/530p? not happening. 11a/3p/7p... working out. but i'm still fighting the fact that i'm not hungry, i'm not doing enough to feel hungry on a regular basis. but i'm TRYING.

and in other news... my plants are going insane! they love it here, and they're bigger every time i look at them.

it's after 1am now, and i still have a flipping muffin to eat. -rolls eyes-

and this one is for john...
my momma don't love me no more, cuz i been bad

-cracks up- Posted by Picasa
01:23 :: 0 comments :: permalink

-does a little dance- (in bed, of course)

27 March 2006

i got a THIRD box from Mark, this time with something not on my wishlist (but it should have been!)... Sigur Rós' "Ágætis byrjun".......

holy cheese, how did you know?! -grin-

now the microphones and sigur rós are fighting for space in my cd drive... not to mention all the stuff i got from henry's ipod before i came into the hospital. (akron family band, suicide, joanna newsom, and five million other things i should have been listening to ages ago.) and now i have the time to just listen to albums and nothing else... amazing.
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related article

With Mars And The Moon In View, Human Physiology Study Shows 6 Degrees Of Decline Is The Ticket To Ride

The so-called “head-down minus 6 degree bedrest” paradigm resulted from early interactions between the Soviet and U.S. researchers and doctors that considered a large range of angles that would mimic the cardiovascular effects of microgravity experienced by humans in space. However, “until our parallel studies on the STS-78 and at bedrest (BR), it was never specifically tested,” Trappe noted.

A “main finding from this study highlights the adequacy of (minus 6-degree) BR as an analog for space flight,” the paper stated. Furthermore, the findings showed that “minus-6-degree BR is an appropriate simulation of in-flight and postflight physiological responses to exercise. This is evidenced by the fact that the direction, magnitude, and time course of the changes in the cardiorespiratory responses to exercise were similar between BR and SF.”

this is an excellent article explaining the negative six degrees, how it came about and why it works.
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i'm about to hit 2,000 visitors in under 2 months. whoo!
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Þannig Líður Dagurinn (and so the day passes)

26 March 2006
every night it takes me a little longer to get to sleep, a little less time spent sleeping and a little more time thinking. and thinking. and thinking. finally getting around to some of the introspection that i was expecting from all of this. and i'm surprising myself with what i'm finding out.

by having to completely depend on people to survive right now, i'm learning that my desire to be independent far far FAR outwieghs my desire to be doted on and spoiled, or waited on hand and foot. holy shit, someone please let me cook for myself.

i've always known that i like having time to myself. but now i'm learning how necessary it is to keep one's sanity in order. this is most likely why i'm staying up later and later, to counterbalance the hectic days with nurses in here all the time and volunteers and visits from mike and bright lights and everything else, when i can't get a moment's peace to myself. this is also why i tend to feel better after the nights that i've slept less, because i've gotten some time to sort the day out, sort my head out and relax without constant interruptions. when it's gogogogoGOdeadstop? all of my brain power has gone to my distractions, and not to myself. i need to stop with the internet earlier than i do, it's going to be the end of me.

i'm doing better though. i miss my friends, but i've already gone this far, right? it's all just been accepted for now, and i can shrug it off. henry called the other night, but i missed it. now we're playing phone tag. i think mike kind of let him know what was up. -sigh- people still have this idea that i'm hooked up to IVs and wires and all kinds of shit. i'm not a patient in a hospital, i'm a test subject that happens to have to live in a hospital. do i need to post pictures of my arms and say "look! no tubes!" or what? i'm healthy! i'm really, truly, extraordinarily healthy. todd came up here friday night with mike, it was nice to see him too, it's been awhile. the last time i saw him i kind of screamed at him during a pre-bedrest freak out. eesh, i'm still sorry about that, todd. i think when they left they went to go celebrate the fact that the neighbors are gone and we got an awesome car and things are going alright.

whew. ok, so i don't mind going back on all the bitching i've done about all my friends if they would just come to see me and prove me wrong. (yes, that is a challenge!)

i don't cry at night anymore, either. i guess that was really gone within the first two weeks, i just didn't notice. i'm still homesick, but i'm getting used to it. i don't feel sad, i'm just low sometimes. it comes and goes. the first two weeks though, it was almost every night. it's like going away to summer camp. except you're there ALL SUMMER LONG.

i'm still having serious problems with my attention span. i have no idea what to do about that though. i'm going to keep trying with the meditation, and see if i can finally get into the rhythm of that.

this entire time i have not set a schedule for any of my daily activities. things keep adding into my schedule and i'm starting to think it's too much. (see above!) i just don't have any time to myself and now that i'm getting comfortable with being in here, i need that time more than i need the visitors. i'll have to talk to ricki and kevin and see what can be done about this.

so it's about 230am now and i'm listening to sigur ros, and spending the time to get this all written down. i'll sleep better tonight and i'll feel better in the morning after thinking about all this and finally getting it out.

goodnight moon
01:50 :: 0 comments :: permalink

you'd think i would have learned by now.


playing the "how fast can erin drink a pitcher of water" game so i can meet my daily water quota. oops!

my brain is elsewhere, and my bladder is considering explosion.
00:39 :: 0 comments :: permalink


25 March 2006
so i've been busy with volunteers, crocheting dishcloths for ricki, knitting my ever-so-slow blanket, and working on the album art for the grog shop show we did back in january. i'm trying to be good, drinking a lot of water and eating all of my food, but i'll be damned. the tv dinners get nasty, and quick. (they're picked out because of the low fat/cal/sodium content, certainly not for the taste.)

there has to be another way.

mike: I don't think they're sending Lean Cuisines with the atronauts to Mars
erin: blarg, i'd sure as shit hope not
erin: there would be at least one food related murder by the end of the second month

so sorry i haven't written much, it's taking all of my energy to get this food down and trying to get something ACCOMPLISHED. and by accomplished i mean FINISHED. small victories... but no wars won just yet.


oh yeah, and i may have to get my hair cut short after this study just to deal with bed-head aftermath. somedays it's so bad that i'm tearing knots out of my hair just to get a brush through it..
23:11 :: 0 comments :: permalink

day somethingsomething

when i get out of this study i'm never, ever EVER eating another frozen dinner again.

22:35 :: 1 comments :: permalink

WESH.com - News - Soap Operas Could Be Bad For Your Health

24 March 2006
WESH.com - News - Soap Operas Could Be Bad For Your Health

Could too much time obsessing over the love triangles of "Days Of Our Lives" be bad for your health?

A study from the City University of New York shows elderly women who watch daytime soap operas and talk shows are more likely to suffer from cognitive decline than women who spend their time watching other programming.

It's not clear, however, whether watching these shows actually leads to weaker brainpower or perhaps these people simply like these shows more than others.

For more information about the study, visit www.smajournalonline.com.

haha. boy, this describes most of the people who fawned over the soaps during their lunch breaks at my last job. awful.
11:26 :: 0 comments :: permalink

not just any game...

it's scrabble. and george got me hooked on it. wheee! we're playing two or three games a night now. after... three nights. -grin-

i'm a junkie and i've got the marks to prov-

oops, wrong kind of junkie. but i do have some funky bruises on the inside of my elbow because i decided to put my own cuffs on during suspension. they don't look that great. like.... the bruises i had for the friday the 13th show in january, that looked like they were taking up half my arm, on the inside of my elbow? yeah. not cool! that was from the five zillion tubes of blood they had to take for my various blood tests before the study. and with all the jumping around and spacing out and stuff i did at that show... it was half believable too.

i got lost in the music that night, it was beautiful. i remember getting off the stage, doing three shots of whiskey with holly and henry and ending back up onstage, dancing around and falling over. too drunk, way too drunk. and they kept giving me more whiskey on stage too.

anyways, enough reminiscing about party times. i'll have plenty of time after i get out for whiskey. -grin-
00:07 :: 0 comments :: permalink

almost forgot!

23 March 2006
my second box of presents came from mark! thank you! -grin-

the microphones - mount eerie


the concretes - layyourbattleaxedown

the microphones went in first, and they haven't left yet. but i already love the concretes, so i know that record will be amazing anyway! but the microphones kind of ... conquered my headphones. creepy and beautiful and ethereal.

erin loves new music! -grin-
23:56 :: 0 comments :: permalink


now listening; eef barzelay - thanksgiving waves

so, one of the psych OT people pointed out to me that perhaps i haven't been the most forward with my requests for visitors, and that maybe i should just come out and say "hey, would you come here at 2pm on sunday?" it's not my style, really. if they want to come, they'll come. if they don't want to come over, i'll probably have a hard time calling them when i get out.

though i don't know if like, halfway through i'll change my mind and really break down most of my principles and standard practices and start asking people show up.

i'm actually getting comfortable with fewer people showing up.-shrug- people are busy, people have jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, bands, lives to carry on. i quit my life for three months, but that doesn't mean that they should quit theirs.

contradictory and such, i know. i need to stop playing games from realarcade and really start working. fork.
20:55 :: 0 comments :: permalink

sleep patterns

i was groggy and feeling crappy all day, could barely keep my eyes open or stay awake throughout the day. now it's THREE in the morning and i'm WIDE AWAKE.

i hate the way my brain works and the stupid stuff it does to me.

meh. going to stumble on astronomy until some weird stephen hawking stuff puts me to sleep.
02:55 :: 0 comments :: permalink

ok so...

22 March 2006
i've lost track of the days, oh well.

mike found a car on craiglist. awesome. we collectively used the force on this, i left him a message saying "hey, keep checking craigslist for new listings" and he got back and bam. there it was: a pristine 14 year old car. how does that happen? read the ad. it's hilarious.

waiting for the check to clear.... la la la la la..... account is currently at $1.12.

i've been feeling kind of BLAH all day, a headache, a stomachache, and sore throat, but only just enough to make me feel blah. not sick, just blah. hopefully it's nothing more than that. i almost threw up in my helmet today (gross!) because the rocking would NOT stop. of course, that was after eating two (very incompatible) meals back to back. and by incompatible, i mean pancakes and enchiladas.

my copy of black angels' "passover" has been shipped, and should be here shortly. YAY. seriously, i'm going to cream my pants when i finally have that in hand. love.
from the band's bio on light in the attic's page:
From deep in the heart of Texas, armed with the home-grown mantra "Turn On, Tune In, Drone Out," The Black Angels ring real and rugged like a crimson full moon-lit night. Formed in May of 2004, the band's sanctified holy racket was breech-born out of life-long friendships drawn up in blood and sealed with a kiss. Their self proclaimed "Native American Drone 'N' Roll" genre has progressed from communal living and the members' eclectic upbringings. Bassist Ryan was born on a cult compound, guitarist Bland is the real deal son of a Texas preacher man, organ player Raines grew up in a mortuary, and drummer Bailey and vocalist Maas believe a little girl in a red linen dress haunts the group's home.

wtf!? awesome.


tomorrow i get to meet some congressional committee on funding for nasa. or SOMETHING like that. bigwigs and stuff. whoo! they're going to come around while i'm suspended. weird, but ok. i'm going to be knitting during suspension too. haha. i'll try to get pictures.

the check didn't clear. _SIGH_ dammit.

bed time, probably.
23:41 :: 0 comments :: permalink

the neighbors

are gone!

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day twenty nine (good news and bad news)

20 March 2006
some good news, and some bad news.

first, the bad news. the friend that i mentioned being in jail, well, they don't seem to be letting him out for work release or anything. he's going to lose all of his clients and basically get screwed on this whole thing. sucks. he's going to have to completely rebuild his life. he's a really nice guy, and i'm completely convinced that if he HADN'T gotten thrown in jail, he'd be out here at least every once in awhile to keep me company. and when that time comes (probably around september) i want to be prepared to help him out however we can.

more bad news: i'm NOT HUNGRY. and coming in and telling me to eat every hour (and probably more) is not going to help. food is already fairly boring (sorry, food team, but it's not mike's cooking! -grin-) and at the third time through already, it's getting pretty old pretty fast. i'm getting there though, i've survived it this long.

and even more bad news: i've been in here a FULL MONTH and none of the band (save for jay, and mike, of course) has come to see me. seriously, like, wtf. must be a serious case of "out of sight, out of mind". no phone calls, no emails, no nothing. in fact, i haven't heard anything from the whole of the collective, save for eric s, and i'm giving him a break on the visits because he's without car. but i at least hear from him. i think mike kind of made a point last night (maybe?)... when people see him, they ask about me, because that seems to be the only time they realize i'm not around: when mike's out and i'm not. otherwise they don't even think about it. definitely an "oh, i see how it is" scenario. i realize that people are busy and that when they have time to hang out with friends, they'd rather do it in a scene where they can drink beer, relax, and hang out with ten friends instead of one friend who is in a hospital room, no beer, no food, etc etc. but honestly, i can't imagine that everyone has been SO busy that not a single fucking one of them could come out and visit. how frustrating.

i'm letting it go, though. i've made it this far without any support from the collective, and i suppose it's indicative of the state of things around here. carry on and rise above. it's not arrogance, merely the acceptance of the circumstances. it's sad, but there's not much to be done unless i want to start guilting them into coming around, which isn't my style. i will probably get frustrated from time to time, but after the halfway mark? i'll forget it completely.

i suppose that's some of the good news too, that i've finally given up on waiting for them to come around. they can't/won't come to me, i can't go to them now, and i probably just won't when i get out.

good news part two: the check from my matured CD finally came in. i can finally start my own investing at my own bank under my own power. that feels great, thanks. it also gives us a little more of a cushion during the time i'm in the hospital and not making any money. and gives mike the freedom to buy a car when he needs to. (which will probably be sooner rather than later, because we had to junk the saturn, it was dead, and the rabbit's soon to follow -cries-) also, leia's going to need the second payment for the saturn. yes, the one that was just junked. -sigh- oh well, it got us around for seven months. -shrug- just haven't had good luck with cars lately.

good news part three: they're changing my menu a little bit. trying to get some more fat and calories into it. more taste hopefully, too. -grin-

and the best news of all?

it looks like our junkyard-backyard having ignorant redneck downstairs neighbors are moving out. (did i get enough adjectives in there? i did? good. they're 100 times worse.) mike went home today and the back yard was cleaned out. apartment downstairs empty. i hope this is the end of all that awful, awful madness.

i'm all news-ed out.

and i should be asleep. bleh.

now playing: blur - coffee and TV, from 13.

oh, we can start all over again...
22:09 :: 3 comments :: permalink

day twenty nine

ok, so today i've had about half a dozen calls (and countless nurses bugging me) about how much weight i've lost. i'm below accepted protocol standards (or however they put it) and not only are they telling me this is a bad thing that i've lost so much weight, but that i have to GAIN IT BACK. (well, most of it)

-insert long string of swear words here-

wow, are they kidding? most of the nurses (and dieticians and lab techs) are women. and they all feel bad about telling me that i have to gain this weight back. but they have to do it. i have to gain some of this weight back. and it's all going to be FAT. and i'm going to HATE it.-sigh- what a friggin pain.

i know what it is. it's the fact that i'm eating healthy for once in my life. i could easily lose 20 pounds on this "diet" (in fact, i've already lost 12. wow. without trying or anything)

BUT, the good news is... i know that it's possible. low-cal, low-fat, low-sodium diet. i can do it, i'm doing it right now. but that might end up being a little different when i have chipotle available...

mmmmm.... chipotle....

so anyway, i'm being told to eat stuff with the highest fat and calorie content first. and if i'm not that hungry, and all i have left are some veggies and some dessert, to eat the dessert.

wow, in your face, mom. haha, that's right: dessert has higher priority than veggies.

almost time for my massage, i'm sure there will be plenty more later.
16:09 :: 1 comments :: permalink

note to self!

19 March 2006
the vegetables need to be eaten WHEN YOU GET THEM.

they don't keep.

BLAH. gross.
19:28 :: 0 comments :: permalink

day twenty eight (mostly medical update)

four weeks down, eight to go.

i took a really good look at my legs today during bathtime. i hadn't shaved in over a month, and it was TIME. i was growing my own natural legwarmers. GROSS.

and on top of that, i was HORRIFIED to see how much my legs have already atrophied. i don't really see my body, i'm not ever naked except for bathtime or changing clothes. i don't have the luxury of a full length mirror, though i'm sure at this point i wouldn't even want to see. i haven't even looked in a small mirror in awhile. there's a strange sensation for me, someone who has been fretting and fussing about my skin for years and years (thanks, puberty!)

my arms aren't nearly as bad as far as the atrophy goes, i'm at least using them some of the time. i am starting to feel it though, they get tired sooner, they ache sometimes too. this computer desk isn't helping either, i'm going to have to figure out a solution for this.

but yes, it's a medical fact that if you don't use your legs, you're going to lose them. and i'm losing them. it's unnerving, watching my body waste away (at only 21, and perfectly healthy!) and having to let it happen. i hold my legs up and they start to shake. it's scary.

i have a good reason this summer to be out all the time, riding bikes and exercising. i obviously can't let my body stay at this level when i get out. i'm going to be at the clinic gym as often as i can and out on my bike too. i won't be working nearly as much, and when i get out i'm not going to be in a hurry to get anywhere. patience, infinite patience with myself will be necessary while i get myself back on the bike.

i wish i had taken before and after pictures of my body, it would have been an interesting project, but i had too many things to think of before i came in to the hospital.

the head down tilt doesn't even occur to me anymore. my brain and inner ear have reset themselves, -6 degrees is the new horizontal for me. (or as mike, the saturday volunteer would say, -6 is the new black. ^_^)

surprisingly i haven't had many headaches. (knock on wood!)

they keep giving me more food, and i keep losing weight. and i think i know why.

i'm a really awful eater. i love fried foods. i love junk food. i love greasy pizza and chinese food and stuff that's loaded up with all kinds of bad crap. and that's what i usually eat. but i don't eat often, and i don't eat a lot when i do eat. so now they're feeding me healthy food and i'm dropping all these extra junk food pounds. they give me more healthy food, and i snack on it all day, it feels like i'm ALWAYS eating. but i'm losing weight. and i'm losing muscle. and it's totally unnerving.

it's seven pm, and i still have to eat:
red peppers, cherry tomatoes and ranch dressing
butterscotch pudding
peach yogurt
mixed vegetables
a mini bag of microwave popcorn
and a carton of milk.

maybe this is why i can't sleep at night....
18:43 :: 1 comments :: permalink

second verse, same as the first

18 March 2006
every night. brain says GO GO GO GO GO right around 10 pm. me and this sleep schedule don't get along so well.
23:42 :: 2 comments :: permalink


what's bad is when the food service people come in with dinner and you haven't finished lunch. -sigh-


17:43 :: 0 comments :: permalink


17 March 2006
between being busy most of the day, the internet not working, and then, once the internet was up, blogger not working, i haven't been able to get into my blog all day. oh well. i got a lot more done on the march 30 poster, hopefully have that done by the end of the weekend. and i need to get going on the album art too.

i had a bunch i wanted to say today, but i've forgotten.
21:46 :: 0 comments :: permalink

just a fond farewell to a friend

elliot smith police/autopsy report

utterly fascinating. i mean... this guy had to have been really intense to stab himself not once but TWICE. in the HEART. because of a fight he had with his girlfriend?! wow.
and this is to say nothing of the beautiful music he wrote. i've been listening to this stuff a lot lately, intense and real and sad.

i can see where henry gets it, you know?
21:41 :: 1 comments :: permalink

just the news i was looking for

CNN.com - NASA scrubs May shuttle launch
NASA has scrubbed the May launch of the space shuttle Discovery to replace four low-level sensors in the external fuel tank -- a process that will take three weeks, space shuttle program manager Wayne Hale announced Tuesday.

hate to say it, but i'd been hoping they'd scrub the may launch in favor of the july 1-19 window. i'm also glad they caught things like this, well, because i don't want to drive down to florida to see a disaster! being selfish, right, but i'm glad they're taking all the necessary precautions to get our astronauts into space and home again safely.

here's to smooth sailing the rest of the way!
21:26 :: 0 comments :: permalink


16 March 2006
wow. uhm, my shoulder really started hurting like hell out of nowhere. ow ow ow WHY? dammit. no computer for me, for awhile, until i can figure out a different set up for this. and that includes the poster and the album art and the website i was working on (of course....)

more reading (and maybe knitting if i can stand it) for me.

23:32 :: 0 comments :: permalink

lollapalooza 2006

oh oh oh! i want to go to lollapalooza!

the lineup:

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Kanye West
Manu Chao
Death Cab For Cutie

The Raconteurs
The Flaming Lips
Queens of the Stone Age
The Shins

Ryan Adams
Umphrey's McGee
Sonic Youth
Thievery Corporation
Nickel Creek

Blues Traveler
Broken Social Scene
The New Pornographers
Iron & Wine

Poi Dog Pondering
The Secret Machines
Panic! At the Disco
The Disco Biscuits
Reverend Horton Heat
The Smoking Popes
Andrew Bird
Gnarls Barkley
Lyrics Born
Lady Sovereign
Nada Surf
The Frames
The Hold Steady
The Go! Team
Mates of State
The Redwalls
Mute Math
The Subways
Of Montreal
Blue October
Jeremy Enigk
Living Things
Sound Team
The M's
Hot Chip
The Benevento-Russo Duo
Matt Costa
The New Amsterdams
deadboy & the Elephantmen
The Burden Brothers
What Made Milwaukee Famous
Husky Rescue
The Towers of London
Ohmega Watts
Boy Kill Boy
Jim Noir
The Standard
Be Your Own Pet
Elvis Perkins
Trevor Hall
20:34 :: 1 comments :: permalink

communication breakdown

the call light still isn't working. the internet is REALLY slow for whatever reasons, and i can't get to half of the sites i'm usually at. wtf? barely got to talk to mike today too, there were a lot of people in and out. it's been a long day. and my right arm is starting to ache, for whatever reason.

20:28 :: 1 comments :: permalink

day twenty five

Now that you are in a happy mood, it might be a good time to start a Gratitude Journal to get you through the rough spots during the next nine weeks.
It looks like you may have some bad Karma.
Is this the reason that you can't sleep or focus on anything?
And your boyfiend needs to get drunk and take off from his job to make you feel better?

it'd not that he has to get too drunk and then take time off of work to make me happy. i'm glad he put his foot down and took some time off for himself. he's been very busy and tired and with everything going on right now (work, shitty neighbors, band stuff, home stuff AND i'm in this study) he's been really stressed too. he needs that time and he's been very un-selfish with his time, and he's getting spread too thin. that's why it made me feel better.

a gratitude journal would be a really good idea. when i'm done with this post, i'll start one.

yeah, i'm sure i've got some bad karma somewhere, but i don't think that has anything to do with the focusing issues. but what do i know, i'm just a kid, right?

-rolls eyes-
17:44 :: 3 comments :: permalink


the call light on my bed has been stuck on since last night. ophelia came in and asked me if i needed anything, i hadn't touched the light, but it's on, and i think they've just silenced it outside, because it would be going off all the time.


that means that i can't call the nurses station when i need to. suppose if i have to yell, i will.

-grumble- elizabeth was surprised by this, so it doesnt look like the night nurse told the day shift. wtf!? that's kind of important, don't you think?
09:44 :: 0 comments :: permalink

camera on camera

check out the infrared camera on the wall behind him!!
Take a picture of that,again and see if it glows. Weird

oh yeah, the tape reviewers are going to hate me. i've been taking pictures with and without the flash and trying to get it to do that again. (no success.)

the freaking things glow red ALL NIGHT LONG. it's creepy. it's really CREEPY.
09:30 :: 0 comments :: permalink

all at once... awwwwwwwwww

15 March 2006
  mike came in today and spent a couple hours with me, it felt nice to just see him when he didn't have anywhere to be (band practice, back to work, back to lakewood, etc ad nauseum) he's been wonderful all this time, and i'm already planning his birthday present(s)... i can't wait! i get out of bed on his birthday too.

i less than three mike, i really do.

(snicker!) Posted by Picasa
23:36 :: 2 comments :: permalink

from yesterday

  the everweird jay on his way out last night. he's been here TWICE (shock!) and yes, i have been keeping track of who's coming in. Posted by Picasa
23:34 :: 2 comments :: permalink

i'm being lazy about getting pictures off my camera

 sarah imitating a bug at SNB mars. Posted by Picasa
23:30 :: 0 comments :: permalink

surviving 7 Gs

Wired 11.03: Surviving 7G

someone else doing experiments for nasa. sweet!
21:25 :: 0 comments :: permalink

i'm so close, i'm almost inside

i had the most bizarre waking dream after my massage today. i'm usually left in a state of half-asleep bliss after said massages, and this time was no different.

it was really quite simple too. i wanted to reach for something, and instead of hanging off the edge of the bed head first (when i'm really determined) or calling a nurse (feeling apathetic) i sat up and reached for it. my feet touched the ground, i got what i wanted, and got back into bed.

i remember feeling vaguely terrified that the cameras were going to "get me" but other than that, it was very strange, very surreal. i know i didn't actually get up because it would have made me instantly sick, nausea and vertigo. that and i was absolutely positive i hadn't moved since the maseusse left me. i was in the exact same position.
20:14 :: 1 comments :: permalink


Seething Mom... the story of a mother coming to terms with finding out her son was gay.

absolutely fascinating.
12:47 :: 0 comments :: permalink

now i'm weaker than the palest blue, so weak in this need for you

You have a positive mood shift when your boyfriend gets drunk?

no. we're both in kind of a slump, it's been rough being apart so much. we were sending each other songs and trying to get each other to feel better. we found a couple really awesome songs for that exact purpose (pas/cal - the bronze beached boys of summer, john lennon - oh yoko, to name a few, and i just remembered one that would have been perfect... i'll wait though. -grin-)
unfortunately last night he was a little more drunk than i thought. he called me up after he signed off (at almost 1am) he was sick, tired and just really upset. we talked for another hour, he was saying goofy drunk stuff that he probably doesn't remember and i asked him if he wanted me to come home. i was serious, if i'm needed somewhere, then i'm needed. but he wants me to stay.

i finally got him to go to sleep after making sure that he was going to be alright. after we finally hung up, i knew i wasnt' getting to sleep any time soon, so i knitted for awhile until i managed to just about pass out.

this is the longest time we've been apart since i starting going out with him, about two years. and it's hard.


space out, lost track of the train of thought.

mike's on his way here. he's taking a couple days off of work and getting his head together. he was pretty close to losing it last night. hopefully things work out a little better today. if i could let him have my massage today, i most definitely would, but it doesn't always work out like that.

i would love to take a nap, get a little extra sleep today. not happening of course, but at least it's a massage day.

...So keep on playing those mind games together
Faith in the future outta the now
You just can't beat on those mind guerrillas
Absolute elsewhere in the stones of your mind
Yeah we're playing those mind games forever
Projecting our images in space and in time

Yes is the answer and you know and you know that for sure
Yes is surrender you got to let it, you got to let it go....

thank you, to whoever posted this.

11:17 :: 3 comments :: permalink

things are gonna be alright

poor mike. he's having a bad night, he's drunk and tired, and wants me to stay up with him. so we're trading songs back and forth, we're both exhausted and neither of us wants to go to bed.

[edit: it's 1am, he finally signed off. i hope he'll be alright tomorrow. -sigh-]
00:20 :: 1 comments :: permalink


14 March 2006
there's the beauty in it.

right, the picked flowers and the airplane we spent twenty minutes getting out of the tree.

(random pas/cal happiness. uhm? so much for sleep tonight?)
23:47 :: 0 comments :: permalink

in the middle of a cloud....

i'm having one of the most discombobulated conversations ever. mike's drunk and i'm in this stupid fog that won't lift. i get halfway through a thought and drift off. i come back thirty seconds later and can't remember where i was going with what i've written down so far. he can't type for shit and we're not understanding anything. or at least i'm not. he's speaking chinese tonight, for all i know.

tried to write back to dr m, and i'll be damned if i could think of anything to say. even though everything's already there, i don't want to say too much and be shoved full of pills or something. can't sleep? can't think? can't focus? can't function? we have pills for all of these things, and pills to help you with what the first pills will do to you on the side. (i've been there before, thanksbutnothanks.)

eh, i'm being paranoid way too overdramatic and highschoolstupid about that, i'm sure.


you know what everyone needs when they get low? john lennon's "oh yoko!"

yep. that's love.


ok, i got my little warm fuzzies for the day. i feel a -little- better.
23:07 :: 1 comments :: permalink

yr killing a southern belle.....

ok, let's be honest here.

• Persistent sad or "empty" mood
• Anxiety
• Irritability

• Unexplained crying
• Fatigue or unexplained loss of energy
• Loss of enthusiasm

• Memory loss

• Decrease in appetite or food loses its taste
• Unexplained weight loss or weight gain
• Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
• Restlessness
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
• Feelings of being in "slow motion"

• Feelings of pessimism
• Feelings of guilt
• Feelings of hopelessness / helplessness / worthlessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities once enjoyed
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain
•Thoughts of death or suicide or attempted suicide

it's been a rough couple of weeks.

pissy? oh yes. even snapping at mike, when i don't mean to .

i'm tired and waiting for the vertigo to pass, trying to philosophize with a drunken mike and getting nowhere.

can't sleep? take ambien!

ugh, ugh, ugh.
22:02 :: 0 comments :: permalink

oh yeah and

13 March 2006
i'm so homesick it hurts.

grow up, grow up, grow up. this isn't summer camp. it's your job to be here. it's YOUR JOB to be away from home for three months...


ok, i get it. time for bed. right.

unrelated: i need to be drinking more water. much more water. bleh.
23:48 :: 0 comments :: permalink

i don't usually like doing this, but.....

part of a conversation i had with mike online. (also testing out something similar to livejournal entry cuts, don't know if it will work or not)

me: i'm beginning to maybe not like this so much
mike: which part?
mike: or which thing?
me: -sigh- i miss home. i miss being able to do stuff when i want to do it, i miss sleeping in my own bed, i miss hanging out on the couch, sitting up, sitting around, bike rides, real food, all kinds of stuff
mike: uh huh
mike: you can last
mike: you'll makeit
mike: those things will still be here
mike: it's ok to miss them
mike: but that's a list of DISTRACTIONS
mike: do some inner searching
mike: contemplation, understanding etc etc
mike: are you reading this?
mike: what are you up to?
me: i am reading this
mike: you come at me with this heavy stuff and then drift off
me: i know, my brain says a bunch of shit and drifts off lol
me: welcome to every day for me

mike: of COURSE you don't like it
mike: what's to like?
mike: the only thing to like is the END
mike: the stuff coming UP to the end blows, though
mike: but face it...
mike: not NEARLY as badly as 9 months of going to that shit ass bank
mike: you are on an adventure, right now
mike: but a interspective adventure is harder to appreciate and understand BUT
mike: it reaps the biggest rewards
mike: introspective, I mean
me: i know
mike: if you can't focus on anything, remove the necessity to focus
mike: it's not often in life that you'll get this chance to experience that kind of freedom
mike: for the VAST majority of you life, you will be REQUIRED to focus...
mike: and focus intently
me: what do you mean?
mike: unfocus
mike: drift
mike: remove the internet
mike: remove the music
mike: remove the knitting and poster
mike: remove the reading etc etc
mike: and contemplate
mike: stare out the window and let your mind cleanse itself
mike: let your subconcious deal with your problems
mike: keep your eyes open and start on onething
mike: but don't try to control where the next thought goes
mike: and don't linger too long on any one thought
mike: I do it all the time
mike: that's what I do when I go on the porch to smoke
mike: like I"m going to go do right now
mike: and sometimes, I understand the universe.
mike: it's pretty cool
me: that's going to make me want to sleep
mike: at firs
mike: first
mike: you get sed to it
mike: used
mike: i lost my abiliyt to ty[pe
mike: there's a line between awake and asleep
mike: you learn to walk it
me: -sigh-
me: i always get confused there
mike: it's a confusing place
mike: remember I told you about the time, when I was about 10, and I tried to think of my thought before it happened?
mike: I was able to think it without slowing it down to conversational speed.
mike: when you're thinking in your head, it sounds like a conversation, doesn't it?
mike: like we're talking right now
mike: you say to yourself "huh, I'll go Stumble now and see what I can find"
mike: but that thought actually came and went in a fraction of a fraction of a second
mike: and you FORCED yourself to say it to yourself
mike: and then went and did it
mike: th eactualy DECISION to Stumble (or whatever) was long gone by then
me: yeah
mike: when you go close to sleep and let your mind do the thinking for you without focus, without slowing it down...
mike: your mind computes everything very quickly for you
mike: and you can figure many many things out at once
mike: but it's so fast that you probbaly won't understand or notice them at the front of your mind where you have your personal conversations
mike: but have faith that you ARE thining and comprehending
mike: and your subconsious will then guide your consious as you go along
mike: but if you rarely contemplate and let your mind do it's job...
mike: if you're constantly barraging it with input and conversation
mike: it doesn't have the time to figure things out for yo
mike: and you get clogged up
mike: the Cloudwater Zendo's version (there are an infinite number) was to focus on the spot about 3 inches below your belly button
mike: and think of nothing but that
mike: and if you mind wandered, started talking to yourself, you're supposed to refocus it back on the navel
mike: that accomplishes the same thing I'm talking about
mike: you tie your FORE consiousness to something small and constant
mike: allowing your major brain work to finally work unfettered
mike: and you don't sleep... you remain consious
mike: SLeeping is a focus for your forefront to restore your energy
mike: meditation is a focus for your forefront to restore your mind
me: -sigh-
mike: what?
me: i've been trying it
me: and keeping my brain in one place is proving to be more difficult
mike: no
mike: let it run
mike: but don't think about what you're thinking
mike: just let them come and go
mike: let the thoughts wash over you
mike: and back out
mike: don't send them anywhere, just let them go where they want
me: what if it just doesn't work? try harder? try less?
mike: less
mike: -grin-
mike: you dont even know what you're looking for
mike: how can you say if it's "working" or not
mike: I'm no good at explaining it
mike: go read about meditation some more
mike: look up "enlightenment"
mike: etc etc
mike: there are plenty of other people who say it much better words
mike: read Sidhartha, next
mike: it doesn't have any meditation in it
mike: but it's all about it
mike: AND while you're reading it... write shit down
mike: tell me what you think about certain parts
mike: what confused you, what you actually understand
mike: what your take is on something
me: ok
me: i've got to do something, otherwise i'm never going to make it through the next nine weeks
23:28 :: 0 comments :: permalink

twenty two

not. getting. much. done.

at least not until later, much to late to actually accomplish anything. and i've got to have this poster done by thursday, so it can be printed friday, out for the weekend.

tomorrow is mike's middle kid's birthday. his sixth birthday, to be exact. so mike won't be here tomorrow. but jay will be (or so he says.)

i've got to focus on something, the meditation in the mornings isn't helping. my brain wanders too far too much too fast for me to follow.

i am constantly confused.
23:16 :: 1 comments :: permalink

Google Mars

from the makers of google earth and google moon, i bring you Google Mars.
19:54 :: 0 comments :: permalink

one of those days...

12 March 2006
it's definitely been a "what the freakinhell have i gotten myself into!?!?" kind of day. ugh ugh ugh. i miss my bed and mike's cooking. i'm homesick and i honestly just feel like crying. this isn't vacation anymore. this is "i'm stuck here in this goddamned bed for another nine weeks and i really wish i could go home but i've made it this far, why not keep going?"

i still feel like i want to scream though.

it's for a good cause, it's for a good cause, it's for a good cause

-sigh- it's late, and surprise surprise, i can't sleep again.
23:55 :: 0 comments :: permalink


i'd like to say i got a lot accomplished today. i didn't. (well, what i did get accomplished today mike wants to change around, so in all reality, i got somewhere, but i have to start over.)

gray, blah day.

(don't get angry with yrself - bjork "all neon like")

i've never hated weekends before. but, i'll be damned. i really fucking hate weekends now.
23:01 :: 0 comments :: permalink

the art of mocking public works

swanksigns - dedicated to the art of mocking public works

yep. -grin- silly public works artists.
11:05 :: 0 comments :: permalink

talk about a delayed reaction....

i just startled myself out of an almost asleep weird dream phase with the thought of "this is my normal life. i haven't been out of bed in nearly three weeks, and that is perfectly normal for me. why don't more people do this? why is it such a big deal?" et cetera, ad nauseum.

i dont' know why this affected me so much. but it did, it's like, quarter after midnight and i'm wide awake all over again. like it really just SUNK IN that this is just how it's going to be. my mind is whirling around, set in motion by gear tooth epiphanies. i finally hit third gear. will this make it easier to get going in the morning? easier to get things started? who knows.

conversely, i'm still experiencing the dreamstate confusion of "is this real? this can't really be real, so when am i waking up out of this? and where on earth might i be when i do wake up? hey! HEY! wake up! c'mon, get out of bed! are you sick? are you dying? why are you still in bed?!"

so, in turn (always turning, vertigo tinged indigo in the dark near-black around this neonwhite screen) i am in circles, in wonderment of my own imagination's wandering, and the ability/agility to see both sides simultaneously, (awake=asleep and never sure which one is pastpresentfuture & viceviceversa thankyou.) following figure eights and snakes like hounds on their own tails.

why always so late that the gears drop into place?!?

ican'tsleep. dammit!

every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.

does this apply to thought processes as well? what external force could be applied to this? sleeping pills, of course, but by now it's too late to ask for one. damn damn damn.

gives a whole new meaning to the term "bedhead"


ok, my brain saw that thought written out and starting thinking up algebraic equations and solving them. everything's been turned upside down, i hated math in high school... something to ground me and remind me that i'm still on earth? math still works (it always works, right?), and science is pretty reasonable, but what's going on in my head? anyone's guess, be my guest.

i am too tired for this shit.

7am comes so early...
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something i've never learned

11 March 2006
how to draw hands correctly. i can't even get them to look right when i'm working on a computer, tracing a picture of a hand. sonofabiotch. -sigh-

but anyway, working on the march 30 poster for the rest of the night.

serena maneesh (from oslo, norway!), the volta sound, and henry james at the grog shop.

if you go, flippin record it for me, right? i'm already bummed i don't get to be there.
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elliot smith

wow. elliot smith doing because by the beatles? unbearably beautiful. shivers all over.

dammit, why do i have to fall in love with the ones that i can't see in concert anymore!?

thanks to dear sweet henry james, i'm the proud new owner of... seven elliot smith records. wow. yes, amazing. thank you.

oh by the by. you should all go and listen to henry. NOW. i mean it.
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Radio Indie Pop

the only internet radio station i'll ever need.

hot hot hot damn.

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day twenty

i know, i haven't written the past couple of days.

today mel and sara came out and learned how to knit, thanks to the ever-patient kat (who also brought presents! hooorah! more yarn! and some custom cd's courtesy of her former-dj husband, thanks mason!) i had a good time with them, i'm glad more people hadn't shown up, it was pretty crowded as it was. well... my stash is starting to take over my room. you think i'm kidding? i'll have pictures up within a day or two.

i cast on an irish hiking scarf, and because i've got nothing but time on my hands, decided to work with colored cables. like pain much? jeez, already having a "what the freakin hell was i thinking" time with it... being that this is my first piece with cables AND my first piece with color work in it. whew. i don't know if i'm doing it right though. -sigh-

sara was here almost five hours, all told, mel and kat were here nearly four. it made the day go by a lot faster, it felt good to have people around. it improves my weekend dramatically, so i think i'm going to have the same kind of thing every weekend. and hopefully it will continue after i get out too. (listen to me, it sounds like i'm in prison!)

well... at least in prison you can take shits without having to announce it to the warden. -snicker- and in prison you get yr prison yard time every day, not just week days. and you get "strung up" a lot less in prison.

yep, looks like prison is better? maybe not,... -shrug-

after sara left, mike came in and spent a couple hours with me. brought in fresh laundry and helped out with bath time. ....i think i'm going to be in trouble when i get out. -grin- it is ridiculous how much i miss him. i honestly didn't think it would be this bad... but it is. i'm glad he's been around for me and keeping me sane.

i know have a long road ahead of me, even after i get out of bed in nine weeks, i have two long months of rehab. whew. i'll come out of this tired and happy, a better person for it.

tomorrow i'm one fourth of the way through the study! go me.
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Dear Elena

i found this, mostly by accident, and just spent at least an hour reading this. and i cried like a little baby. jesus, this is sad, in the worst way.

i can't even imagine.
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Dactyl Fractal Zoom

10 March 2006
Dactyl Fractal Zoom

because i have nothing better to do with my friday night. and neither do you. -grin-
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Amanita Design

Amanita Design

their flash games are amazing. wow. i .. wow. go check it out.
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why is it that...

09 March 2006
... my brain really gets going around 10pm?

i'm supposed to be asleep by 11, and it always feels like i'm just getting started.

how frustrating. i am really a night owl and this "asleep-all-night-awake-all-day" thing just isn't cutting it for me.

-grin- oh well....
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mister nice hands

because this what you've always wanted.

i'm sorry! i had to!
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day eighteen

haven't had a post with much substance in awhile. sorry! i'm having a hard time concentrating on ANYTHING these days, much less writing a full length blog entry.

meeting with don thomas was great. i got to ask a ton of questions about what it was like in space, and how it was to come back down. i had a hard time imagining this person in front of me had been in space, not one but FOUR times. i got a great kick out of that. he told me that watching a shuttle launch is an experience you never forget. ever. euphoric even.

turns out he kept journals too, while he was in space. i never thought of that, but what an unbelievable thing to have ten, twenty years later. that's part of why i'm writing tonight, i was told to keep it up and i'll have a great record of this whole experience.... so far fewer people have done this study than have been in space, so it's such a unique job. the days are starting to run together too

i got some autographed pictures, a poster, and vague promises of sweet passes at the shuttle launch in july. he's really nice :-)

i also (very briefly) got to meet two women from JSC down in houston. every time i meet new people from nasa, it's almost embarrassing, they start talking about the work i'm doing for the space program and all kinds of stuff... it's fun to say that myself, but i get almost bashful when someone else is saying it. it feels good though, being recognized for something that i'm doing. i feel like what i'm doing is worthwhile, worth my time and sacrifice.

that's not to say that i wouldn't love to go home and crawl into my own bed, my own sheets, in my own place. i miss my big pillowtop mattress.


i've been giving out my blog address like crazy. i'm over 1000 visitors now!

space cadet entry. my brain is not all together here.

i've been listening to elliot smith all day. wow. i can't believe what i've been missing.
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day eighteen

hey, i almost forgot! i get to meet an astronaut today.

from nasa.gov:
Dr. Thomas, a NASA astronaut since 1990, has logged four shuttle flights spending a total of 1040 hours in space. While aboard the shuttle he conducted hundreds of life science and materials research experiments. With over 692 orbits and 17.6 million miles in space in his career, Dr. Thomas is one of NASA's most accomplished space explorers.

i'll try to remember to get pictures too.
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no, really.

08 March 2006
Japanese Snacks.com - Pocky and other popular Japanese Snacks - Created by Elaine Barlow

got pocky?
erica? are you paying attention?!
23:34 :: 1 comments :: permalink

TYPEDRAWiNG (stumbleupon)

TYPEDRAWiNG | created by storyabout.net

oh yes. you need to go here. fun.
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it's all about the moderate climates

oh! i talked to leia alligator today, she just got back from florida. man, do i miss her. oh, and her radio-dj boyfriend is going to do a radio interview with me for 89.3 wcsb (oh eric, don't you wish you'd thought of that first?! lol)

did i mention that i missed her? yeah? well i do. 17 days without leia alligator sunshine? it was kinda gray around the edges. but it's good to know she's back(and in mostly working order - she got sunburned pretty badly down there. silly, alligators need sunscreen too!)

in other news: one of my friends is in jail?! i don't know whether to laugh or cry. poor guy. he was supposed to go to california this weekend. he's going to miss my return to earth party and lila's 06/06/06 party. (yes, say that how you see it.) -sigh- oh well. we'll have more parties when he gets out.
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day seventeen...

...was also mostly a waste.

but at least i'm kind of feeling better

and i did read cat's cradle in one marathon reading session. la dee dah...

tomorrow i get to meet an astronaut though! i'm excited.

BNU has a four week class on Buddhism. It starts in April and is over before the end of your confinement.

i considered the class on buddhism, but you have to buy the books (of course! -rolls eyes-) and it's pretty tight because i'm not making money right now (i get paid at the end of the study) so i'm going to study on my own from what i've got.

Have you thought about what you want to be doing 5 years from now?
What would you have to do today to be able to do it?

i have thought of that. but i'm not sure what i want to be doing in five years. i certainly don't want to be working crappy temp jobs in five years, so i think i'm going to get a degree and see where that gets me. probably business degree with an emphasis on art and music management. or a graphic design degree. still thinking about it though.

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
Which road do I take? she asked.
Where do you want to go? was his response.
I don't know. Alice answered.
Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter.
---Lewis Carroll

-grin- how unbearably appropriate.

thank you. i knew there was something missing from my reading materials - lewis carroll!

i'll have to send the mike out to the library for me.


woke up this morning and it seemed to me,
that every night turns out to be
a little more like bukowski.
but god who'd wanna be?
god who'd wanna be such an asshole?
god who'd wanna be?
god who'd wanna be such an asshole?

and i'd forgotten about this song (modest mouse's bukowski) until someone brought it up in conversation.

nothing much going on, got the grog shop artwork open but nothing's coming to me. teaser:
  Posted by Picasa
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day sixteen...

07 March 2006
...was a lost cause. got nothing accomplished at all.


i blame it, whole-heartedly, on my uterus. thanks.

oh well.... tomorrow's another day.

i'm already on my third week of this study though! i'm surprised, it's going a tad fast than i thought it would.

oh! oops, i'm supposed to be asleep, but since i slept a little today (thanks compazine!) i'm not very tired. crap.

guess i'll just listen to elliot smith til i fall asleep.

sorry todd. code looked like mumbojumbo soup.

guess i forgot to hit publish. -shrug-
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nap time...

last night mike was here after running around like a madman all weekend... and he fell asleep with his head on the mattress next to me. i was playing with his hair and the next thing i know he's snoring a little. so cute. poor guy, he needed it.

i could use a little more sleep too. bleh.
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day sixteen

woke up this morning, felt like crap. what does that mean? of course: started my period. periods upside down are fun. (-rolls eyes-) at least they had some kind of fun drug (compazine?) after i finally emptied my stomach... that helped with the nausea and (bonus!) made me super drowsy. so ended up falling asleep for a couple hours (oops) and now it's about two, i feel mostly fine, except for cramps. haven't eaten anything yet today, and i don't feel like it either... and i'm not going down to lab either. BLEH. what an absolute waste of a day. really.
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day.... fifteen (i'm losing track)

06 March 2006
Could you take an on-line college course? It might give you some structure and focus.

i did consider this, but i wasn't sure i would get it done by the time study was over. i know that once i get out i won't have nearly enough time to finish school work. so i'm sticking with self education until the fall, when i'm probably going to be going back to school. haven't decided.
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because everyone wants a web-based planetarium

Neave Planetarium

yep. don't have to say anything else.

in other news, i'm spending my entire morning day looking for fonts. because, of course, all of the fonts i usually have installed are at home. -rolls eyes-
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05 March 2006

forgot when you change the template it eats all yr extra code!

-rolls eyes- silly erin...
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day fourteen

uhm. crap. i just lost half of a day to stumbleupon. dammit.

but, on the plus side, i got a lot done on the album art i was working on, and finished reading women by charles bukowski. awesome book, thanks mark!

not much to report today. feeling better, spent some time with a slightly hungover mike, and got a little bit accomplished.
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i love stumbleupon already...

04 March 2006
The Effects Of Cannabis On A Web-Based Lifestyle

bizarre and interesting.
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you've all seen this, right?

sidewalk chalk guy

i've just downloaded a new firefox extension called "stumbleupon"

i'm going to lose hours to this thing, holy cow.
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2006 Sasquatch! Music Festival

2006 Sasquatch! Music Festival

i hate that this is put on by house of blues.

dear, dear, dear holy god this sounds amazing. the lineup:

Nine Inch Nails, Special Guest - to be announced, HIM, …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead, Wolfmother

Mainstage: BEN HARPER & The Innocent Criminals, The Flaming Lips, The Shins, The Tragically Hip, Neko Case, Iron & Wine, Sufjan Stevens, Gomez, Rogue Wave
Wookie: Sam Roberts, Constantines, Architecture In Helsinki, Bedouin Soundclash, Matt Costa, The Brunettes
Yeti: Tim Seely, Korby Lenker, Common Market, more artists to be announced

Mainstage: Beck, Death Cab For Cutie, Queens of the Stone Age, Matisyahu, The Decemberists, Nada Surf, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Blue Scholars
Wookie: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Arctic Monkeys, We Are Scientists, Chad Vangaalen, The Heavenly States
Yeti: Rocky Votolato, Laura Veirs, Mercir, The Village Green, Headphones more artists to be announced
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an interesting articleon high school drop outs

Most U.S. high school dropouts regretful - study - Yahoo! News

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Most students who drop out of high school in the United States admit they made a mistake by quitting and some say they might have stayed if classes were more challenging, according to a report released on Thursday.

Researchers said they were surprised to find that a majority of the 467 dropouts they interviewed were not what most people would consider underachieving troublemakers and losers.

One-third said they were failing in school, but more than six out of 10 were maintaining C averages or better when they quit. Almost half said they were bored or that the classwork seemed irrelevant.

"The teacher just stood in front of the room and just talked and didn't really like involve you," a young female respondent from Baltimore said.

"There wasn't anybody to keep me there," said a young man from Philadelphia who dreamed of going to college but quit high school with one year to go and is now unemployed.

"There wasn't any learning going on," another complained. "They make you take classes in school that you're never going to use in life."

Three out of four said if they could turn back the clock they would choose to stay, and eight out of 10 said they now recognized that a high school diploma was important to succeed in life.

Statistics show they are right. A high school dropout on average earns $9,200 less a year than a high school graduate, and about $1 million less over a lifetime than a college graduate.


The study is one of the most extensive ever of American high school dropouts, of which there are about 1 million each year. It was based on research conducted by Peter Hart Research Associates and commissioned by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

"They struck us as articulate, capable," said John Bridgeland, one the report's authors and a former Bush administration domestic policy adviser. "These kids wanted to be doctors and nurses and engineers and astronauts and then they hit the schoolhouse door and they're confronted with an environment which is not inspiring, not engaging and often disorderly and unsafe."

"Some had high grades and were just bored out of their minds," Bridgeland told Reuters in a telephone interview. "They found no connection between the classroom and life and their career aspirations."

The young people between 16 and 25 who took part in the study called "The Silent Epidemic: Perspectives of High School Dropouts" were interviewed in 25 locations with high dropout rates. These included cities, suburbs and towns.

The report recommends federal, state and local efforts to offer students school options, engage parents and create early-warning systems for at-risk youths.

It also calls for more accurate tracking of dropouts and consideration of raising the legal dropout age to 18. Most states sets the compulsory school attendance age at 16 or 17.

"In fact, these kids cite too much freedom, which surprised us," Bridgeland said. "They get to high school and all of a sudden under state law they're permitted to drop out, many of the kids know that. They want more order and rules and expectations."

this is big thing for me. i dropped out with a year to go, and now i'm doing research studies just to make some money!

ok, i'm kidding. but i've been working shitty, low-paying jobs my entire adult life (no matter how short) because i don't have a diploma, i don't have a degree, and i don't have a very marketable skill set. i wholeheartedly regret dropping out and i'm glad this study reflects exactly that.
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day thirteen

You sound so unhappy today. Your emotions seem to change frequently.
Perhaps it would help if you talked about why you decided to suspend your regular life for three months to participate in this project.
You have mentioned the other research participant. Can you talk to her? Is she experiencing the same kind of mood swing?
Are you getting any kind of counseling or therapy to help you deal with this kind of isolation?

my moods --do-- change frequently. (it doesn't help that i'm coming up on my time of the month either, i'm sure...) i got really frustrated last night because i kept having to call the nurse for stupid shit that i really should have been able to do myself. it sucks to be young, perfectly healthy and independent-minded.... but you can't pick up something you dropped off the edge of the bed or something that's just out of my reach. i realize that it's what i'm doing right now, this is my life. i'm adjusting to so many things all at once, i can only get used to so many new things at once before my brain starts overloading.

(to make a short list: can't get out of bed, can't get up to go to the bathroom, can't sit up, can't sleep at home, can't sleep with mike in the bed, lay around at -6 degree tilt, live in a hospital room, eat hospital food and nothing else, call a nurse whenever you need something (this sounds like it's a lot better than it really is).... this list goes on for miles.)

i decided to put my life on hold because it's for a great cause. it's for science. i've always wanted to be in research, i love discovering new things, but never really had the grades to get into something like this. (plus all the paperwork?!) so this is my contribution to science, the space program, and humanity in general. when we finally put people on mars, i was most definitely a part of it.

i was in a deadly rut of a 9-5 temp job, with no end in sight; i was working nights and weekends as a cashier/parking lot attendant... all told, i was working seven day weeks more often than not. with the compensation from the study i'm going to be able to go back to school, if i choose to, or buy a house. or both. or a lot of other things. this is also a financial opportunity being dropped in my lap. i would have been stupid not to take it, you know? i can get myself ahead finally, and i dont' have to go back to temping.

and it helps to have a supportive significant other from the very beginning. we sat down with our excel budget and figured out whether it was a viable option for me to do this. we live together, and we wanted to make sure that he could pay the rent and bills with one income instead of two.

i have the other participant's email and phone number, but i've been waiting to see if this clears up and my brain starts accepting this as fact as opposed to a cruel joke on the social part of me. judging my posts last night and this morning, i'm guessing that's not the case and it might help to talk to someone going through it right now.

the best therapy for this, i've found, is having visitors. visiting hours are limited, and other people's schedules are full. i know, i know, i know. but it doesn't help that people usually see me in a group situation, where people can see me and nine other friends all in the same night. they go to these places now and they see one less person, but they still get nine other people to hang out with. i see so few people outside of doctors and nurses and other study personnel that i think it's worth saying something about.

the mood swings so far have been the worst on the weekends, when i don't leave my room at all. i'm staying on a research floor that is completely empty on the weekend except for the bedrest subjects. during the week there are people walking all over, a full team of nurses that pop in and out all day, lab time, sub studies... all kinds of stuff. my entire weekend is free, broken up only by meal times.

today was a little better, becca and becky from my knitting group showed up and hung out for a few hours. i learned a new knitting technique and spent some times catching up. i feel like i bitch too much when i'm around people, because there are so many little things i took for granted when i was up walking around. and i don't get to see other people every often, so i have a lot of little things to say.

all in all, this frustration will come and go. ricki told me right off, i'm going to have some bad days. and i'm having them, and that's normal. -sigh- i will talk more with sandy on tuesday about the depression aspect of this (after all, i'm doing a sub-study on depression in bedridden patients.)

whew, yr right, it helped to get all this crap out. felt kind of like the river spirit in spirited away.

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