26 March 2006every night it takes me a little longer to get to sleep, a little less time spent sleeping and a little more time thinking. and thinking. and thinking. finally getting around to some of the introspection that i was expecting from all of this. and i'm surprising myself with what i'm finding out.
by having to completely depend on people to survive right now, i'm learning that my desire to be independent far far FAR outwieghs my desire to be doted on and spoiled, or waited on hand and foot. holy shit, someone please let me cook for myself.
i've always known that i like having time to myself. but now i'm learning how necessary it is to keep one's sanity in order. this is most likely why i'm staying up later and later, to counterbalance the hectic days with nurses in here all the time and volunteers and visits from mike and bright lights and everything else, when i can't get a moment's peace to myself. this is also why i tend to feel better after the nights that i've slept less, because i've gotten some time to sort the day out, sort my head out and relax without constant interruptions. when it's gogogogoGOdeadstop? all of my brain power has gone to my distractions, and not to myself. i need to stop with the internet earlier than i do, it's going to be the end of me.
i'm doing better though. i miss my friends, but i've already gone this far, right? it's all just been accepted for now, and i can shrug it off. henry called the other night, but i missed it. now we're playing phone tag. i think mike kind of let him know what was up. -sigh- people still have this idea that i'm hooked up to IVs and wires and all kinds of shit. i'm not a patient in a hospital, i'm a test subject that happens to have to live in a hospital. do i need to post pictures of my arms and say "look! no tubes!" or what? i'm healthy! i'm really, truly, extraordinarily healthy. todd came up here friday night with mike, it was nice to see him too, it's been awhile. the last time i saw him i kind of screamed at him during a pre-bedrest freak out. eesh, i'm still sorry about that, todd. i think when they left they went to go celebrate the fact that the neighbors are gone and we got an awesome car and things are going alright.
whew. ok, so i don't mind going back on all the bitching i've done about all my friends if they would just come to see me and prove me wrong. (yes, that is a challenge!)
i don't cry at night anymore, either. i guess that was really gone within the first two weeks, i just didn't notice. i'm still homesick, but i'm getting used to it. i don't feel sad, i'm just low sometimes. it comes and goes. the first two weeks though, it was almost every night. it's like going away to summer camp. except you're there ALL SUMMER LONG.
i'm still having serious problems with my attention span. i have no idea what to do about that though. i'm going to keep trying with the meditation, and see if i can finally get into the rhythm of that.
this entire time i have not set a schedule for any of my daily activities. things keep adding into my schedule and i'm starting to think it's too much. (see above!) i just don't have any time to myself and now that i'm getting comfortable with being in here, i need that time more than i need the visitors. i'll have to talk to ricki and kevin and see what can be done about this.
so it's about 230am now and i'm listening to sigur ros, and spending the time to get this all written down. i'll sleep better tonight and i'll feel better in the morning after thinking about all this and finally getting it out.