04 March 2006
You sound so unhappy today. Your emotions seem to change frequently.
Perhaps it would help if you talked about why you decided to suspend your regular life for three months to participate in this project.
You have mentioned the other research participant. Can you talk to her? Is she experiencing the same kind of mood swing?
Are you getting any kind of counseling or therapy to help you deal with this kind of isolation?
my moods --do-- change frequently. (it doesn't help that i'm coming up on my time of the month either, i'm sure...) i got really frustrated last night because i kept having to call the nurse for stupid shit that i really should have been able to do myself. it sucks to be young, perfectly healthy and independent-minded.... but you can't pick up something you dropped off the edge of the bed or something that's just out of my reach. i realize that it's what i'm doing right now, this is my life. i'm adjusting to so many things all at once, i can only get used to so many new things at once before my brain starts overloading.
(to make a short list: can't get out of bed, can't get up to go to the bathroom, can't sit up, can't sleep at home, can't sleep with mike in the bed, lay around at -6 degree tilt, live in a hospital room, eat hospital food and nothing else, call a nurse whenever you need something (this sounds like it's a lot better than it really is).... this list goes on for miles.)
i decided to put my life on hold because it's for a great cause. it's for science. i've always wanted to be in research, i love discovering new things, but never really had the grades to get into something like this. (plus all the paperwork?!) so this is my contribution to science, the space program, and humanity in general. when we finally put people on mars, i was most definitely a part of it.
i was in a deadly rut of a 9-5 temp job, with no end in sight; i was working nights and weekends as a cashier/parking lot attendant... all told, i was working seven day weeks more often than not. with the compensation from the study i'm going to be able to go back to school, if i choose to, or buy a house. or both. or a lot of other things. this is also a financial opportunity being dropped in my lap. i would have been stupid not to take it, you know? i can get myself ahead finally, and i dont' have to go back to temping.
and it helps to have a supportive significant other from the very beginning. we sat down with our excel budget and figured out whether it was a viable option for me to do this. we live together, and we wanted to make sure that he could pay the rent and bills with one income instead of two.
i have the other participant's email and phone number, but i've been waiting to see if this clears up and my brain starts accepting this as fact as opposed to a cruel joke on the social part of me. judging my posts last night and this morning, i'm guessing that's not the case and it might help to talk to someone going through it right now.
the best therapy for this, i've found, is having visitors. visiting hours are limited, and other people's schedules are full. i know, i know, i know. but it doesn't help that people usually see me in a group situation, where people can see me and nine other friends all in the same night. they go to these places now and they see one less person, but they still get nine other people to hang out with. i see so few people outside of doctors and nurses and other study personnel that i think it's worth saying something about.
the mood swings so far have been the worst on the weekends, when i don't leave my room at all. i'm staying on a research floor that is completely empty on the weekend except for the bedrest subjects. during the week there are people walking all over, a full team of nurses that pop in and out all day, lab time, sub studies... all kinds of stuff. my entire weekend is free, broken up only by meal times.
today was a little better, becca and becky from my knitting group showed up and hung out for a few hours. i learned a new knitting technique and spent some times catching up. i feel like i bitch too much when i'm around people, because there are so many little things i took for granted when i was up walking around. and i don't get to see other people every often, so i have a lot of little things to say.
all in all, this frustration will come and go. ricki told me right off, i'm going to have some bad days. and i'm having them, and that's normal. -sigh- i will talk more with sandy on tuesday about the depression aspect of this (after all, i'm doing a sub-study on depression in bedridden patients.)
whew, yr right, it helped to get all this crap out. felt kind of like the river spirit in spirited away.