19 March 2006four weeks down, eight to go.
i took a really good look at my legs today during bathtime. i hadn't shaved in over a month, and it was TIME. i was growing my own natural legwarmers. GROSS.
and on top of that, i was HORRIFIED to see how much my legs have already atrophied. i don't really see my body, i'm not ever naked except for bathtime or changing clothes. i don't have the luxury of a full length mirror, though i'm sure at this point i wouldn't even want to see. i haven't even looked in a small mirror in awhile. there's a strange sensation for me, someone who has been fretting and fussing about my skin for years and years (thanks, puberty!)
my arms aren't nearly as bad as far as the atrophy goes, i'm at least using them some of the time. i am starting to feel it though, they get tired sooner, they ache sometimes too. this computer desk isn't helping either, i'm going to have to figure out a solution for this.
but yes, it's a medical fact that if you don't use your legs, you're going to lose them. and i'm losing them. it's unnerving, watching my body waste away (at only 21, and perfectly healthy!) and having to let it happen. i hold my legs up and they start to shake. it's scary.
i have a good reason this summer to be out all the time, riding bikes and exercising. i obviously can't let my body stay at this level when i get out. i'm going to be at the clinic gym as often as i can and out on my bike too. i won't be working nearly as much, and when i get out i'm not going to be in a hurry to get anywhere. patience, infinite patience with myself will be necessary while i get myself back on the bike.
i wish i had taken before and after pictures of my body, it would have been an interesting project, but i had too many things to think of before i came in to the hospital.
the head down tilt doesn't even occur to me anymore. my brain and inner ear have reset themselves, -6 degrees is the new horizontal for me. (or as mike, the saturday volunteer would say, -6 is the new black. ^_^)
surprisingly i haven't had many headaches. (knock on wood!)
they keep giving me more food, and i keep losing weight. and i think i know why.
i'm a really awful eater. i love fried foods. i love junk food. i love greasy pizza and chinese food and stuff that's loaded up with all kinds of bad crap. and that's what i usually eat. but i don't eat often, and i don't eat a lot when i do eat. so now they're feeding me healthy food and i'm dropping all these extra junk food pounds. they give me more healthy food, and i snack on it all day, it feels like i'm ALWAYS eating. but i'm losing weight. and i'm losing muscle. and it's totally unnerving.
it's seven pm, and i still have to eat:
red peppers, cherry tomatoes and ranch dressing
a mini bag of microwave popcorn
and a carton of milk.
maybe this is why i can't sleep at night....