stardust holiday
chronicles of the chronically (and voluntarily) bedridden

i don't usually like doing this, but.....

13 March 2006
part of a conversation i had with mike online. (also testing out something similar to livejournal entry cuts, don't know if it will work or not)

me: i'm beginning to maybe not like this so much
mike: which part?
mike: or which thing?
me: -sigh- i miss home. i miss being able to do stuff when i want to do it, i miss sleeping in my own bed, i miss hanging out on the couch, sitting up, sitting around, bike rides, real food, all kinds of stuff
mike: uh huh
mike: you can last
mike: you'll makeit
mike: those things will still be here
mike: it's ok to miss them
mike: but that's a list of DISTRACTIONS
mike: do some inner searching
mike: contemplation, understanding etc etc
mike: are you reading this?
mike: what are you up to?
me: i am reading this
mike: you come at me with this heavy stuff and then drift off
me: i know, my brain says a bunch of shit and drifts off lol
me: welcome to every day for me

mike: of COURSE you don't like it
mike: what's to like?
mike: the only thing to like is the END
mike: the stuff coming UP to the end blows, though
mike: but face it...
mike: not NEARLY as badly as 9 months of going to that shit ass bank
mike: you are on an adventure, right now
mike: but a interspective adventure is harder to appreciate and understand BUT
mike: it reaps the biggest rewards
mike: introspective, I mean
me: i know
mike: if you can't focus on anything, remove the necessity to focus
mike: it's not often in life that you'll get this chance to experience that kind of freedom
mike: for the VAST majority of you life, you will be REQUIRED to focus...
mike: and focus intently
me: what do you mean?
mike: unfocus
mike: drift
mike: remove the internet
mike: remove the music
mike: remove the knitting and poster
mike: remove the reading etc etc
mike: and contemplate
mike: stare out the window and let your mind cleanse itself
mike: let your subconcious deal with your problems
mike: keep your eyes open and start on onething
mike: but don't try to control where the next thought goes
mike: and don't linger too long on any one thought
mike: I do it all the time
mike: that's what I do when I go on the porch to smoke
mike: like I"m going to go do right now
mike: and sometimes, I understand the universe.
mike: it's pretty cool
me: that's going to make me want to sleep
mike: at firs
mike: first
mike: you get sed to it
mike: used
mike: i lost my abiliyt to ty[pe
mike: there's a line between awake and asleep
mike: you learn to walk it
me: -sigh-
me: i always get confused there
mike: it's a confusing place
mike: remember I told you about the time, when I was about 10, and I tried to think of my thought before it happened?
mike: I was able to think it without slowing it down to conversational speed.
mike: when you're thinking in your head, it sounds like a conversation, doesn't it?
mike: like we're talking right now
mike: you say to yourself "huh, I'll go Stumble now and see what I can find"
mike: but that thought actually came and went in a fraction of a fraction of a second
mike: and you FORCED yourself to say it to yourself
mike: and then went and did it
mike: th eactualy DECISION to Stumble (or whatever) was long gone by then
me: yeah
mike: when you go close to sleep and let your mind do the thinking for you without focus, without slowing it down...
mike: your mind computes everything very quickly for you
mike: and you can figure many many things out at once
mike: but it's so fast that you probbaly won't understand or notice them at the front of your mind where you have your personal conversations
mike: but have faith that you ARE thining and comprehending
mike: and your subconsious will then guide your consious as you go along
mike: but if you rarely contemplate and let your mind do it's job...
mike: if you're constantly barraging it with input and conversation
mike: it doesn't have the time to figure things out for yo
mike: and you get clogged up
mike: the Cloudwater Zendo's version (there are an infinite number) was to focus on the spot about 3 inches below your belly button
mike: and think of nothing but that
mike: and if you mind wandered, started talking to yourself, you're supposed to refocus it back on the navel
mike: that accomplishes the same thing I'm talking about
mike: you tie your FORE consiousness to something small and constant
mike: allowing your major brain work to finally work unfettered
mike: and you don't sleep... you remain consious
mike: SLeeping is a focus for your forefront to restore your energy
mike: meditation is a focus for your forefront to restore your mind
me: -sigh-
mike: what?
me: i've been trying it
me: and keeping my brain in one place is proving to be more difficult
mike: no
mike: let it run
mike: but don't think about what you're thinking
mike: just let them come and go
mike: let the thoughts wash over you
mike: and back out
mike: don't send them anywhere, just let them go where they want
me: what if it just doesn't work? try harder? try less?
mike: less
mike: -grin-
mike: you dont even know what you're looking for
mike: how can you say if it's "working" or not
mike: I'm no good at explaining it
mike: go read about meditation some more
mike: look up "enlightenment"
mike: etc etc
mike: there are plenty of other people who say it much better words
mike: read Sidhartha, next
mike: it doesn't have any meditation in it
mike: but it's all about it
mike: AND while you're reading it... write shit down
mike: tell me what you think about certain parts
mike: what confused you, what you actually understand
mike: what your take is on something
me: ok
me: i've got to do something, otherwise i'm never going to make it through the next nine weeks
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