stardust holiday
chronicles of the chronically (and voluntarily) bedridden

and it'll make a whisper out of you

30 April 2006
still brooding over this, still thinking and thinking and this is weighing heavily over me. i have so much to say still, but this is affecting me more than i thought it would. i have too much time to think about anything my mind fixates on.

It is lonely and it is exhilarating. It is breathtaking and it is be wonderment. It is mindful and ever present, complicated and simple. It simply just is. It requires a strong willed, stubborn bastard as a participant and rarely preys on the frail and weak spirited. And once it grabs hold, it is destiny and laughter is good. Laughter is great and hope is important and something is better than nothing and complete understanding happens I am positive, but not until I am dead, so I cannot tell you about that and you cannot tell me for I will be gone, but you may be fortunate enough to see it and feel it.

i am so infinitely curious about this experience, but i don't want to have it for myself. i'd like to talk to him face to face, go out for coffee, do nothing, do everything, ask questions (this would probably get annoying. i have a LOT of questions.), ask lots and lots of questions and listen to all of his answers, for hours. i want to be able to give him that time out of my life, i feel like it's the least i could do. but how to set something like that in motion, or would it even be appreciated?

i'm sick of the "planning and working my ass off" phase of life. i just feel like i'm stuck in this little hamster wheel of plan plan plan and i never get to do anything. that's a lie, i know, but i feel like i could be doing a lot more. i could leave for europe in september instead of going to school, but i'd come back to being broke and working two jobs and having a beat up car that barely runs. instead, i'm going to go back to school with a part time job and a paid internship ( i hope ) still busting my butt, but when i get out, life will be better right? it's the endless quest for a better life. we know that life can be better. but all of this is when that eternal quest comes to an end and you know your time is up? then what?

agh. stupid medication. i hate this medication, and i don't want to take it anymore. i can't keep the train of thought after a certain point. like, my whole thought process just deconstructs about forty minutes after taking the pill.

and i really realized i'm really only half done with this damned study. two weeks of bedrest, eight weeks of post bed-rest rehab...

oh well. it will be may when i wake up. i'll be that much closer to getting out of bed.

PS. i don't like being lied to not told the whole truth about my medication. i distinctly remember being told that this was NOT habit forming. (thanks for the link, mike.)

ps #2, i have a ton of photos from today but i'll put them up tomorrow. promise. someone remind me.
22:46 :: :: permalink
  • I will refrain from freaking you out with Ambien tales about a former roommate. Besides, she took several at a time for days on end.

    However, there have been multiple stories on the nightly news of late of people and long term Ambien use who go to sleep and then get back up and go about their lives. Eating, bathing, cleaning, DRIVING!!! (Yikes!)

    So I think it would serve them right for not being forthcoming about the Ambien if you started "Ambien Walking" right out of that bed! (be sure to read with lots of sarcasm.)

    Only two more weeks in that bed and then you can be an upright woman again! I think what you are doing is awesome. And I love your blog!

    By Blogger Slenderella, at 02:51  
  • Things of coincidence:
    I am from Ohio(Cleveland), living in Illinois(Chicago)
    You are from Illinois(Moline) living in Ohio(Lakewood).
    Close enough.

    I just started a blogger account and yours was a Blogs of Note. Your bed rest experiment I read about in New Scientist before.
    Link: http://www.newscientistspace.com/article/dn8912.html

    The above two points were to disclaim any perception of my being a stalker. I just wanted to express concerns for your participating in the study. I hope you come out of it ok. Best wishes.

    By Blogger Sammy Chen, at 06:21  
  • Hello Erin! I concur with The Warrior: Courageous. I found your Blog as a Blog Of Note, for I have recently started two blogs for a couple of endeavors. One is an invention, the other my music business. Anyway, StarDust is one my favorite words, for my first invention was a teaching aid for astronomy wherein a person could paint the constellations, in relative perspective, on a ceiling using a template and paint that shines brightly under blacklight as well as glow in the dark. Quite a stunning effect used in many schools across the USA. I always thought it would be great at night for the bedridden. The peaceful tranquillity of a starlit night. Of note, I am betwix CTown and CBus. Your work fascinates me. Perhaps I can share some of our original music with you to brighten your day? I work with an awesome singer who has a SONY CD out that he did back in the day. He is from Ohio and just had an exhibit in the Rock 'N' Roll Hall Of Fame last year. He has a couple of cuts out in Europe now called "Worlds Away" and "Give A Little Love" that might really touch your soul. Be cool StarDust...I will drop you an Email if you want me to send you some cool stuff. Namaste.

    By Blogger OneSong, at 07:40  
  • Pretty intense, but I love it. Congrats on the 3500 hits in one day! :P

    By Blogger R2K, at 08:47  
  • Hang in there, erin! We, in exotic Wisconsin, are cheering you on in the spirit of space science.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 09:29  
  • i took ambien every night for several months and stopped with no problems. i think that only a small percentage of people have problems with it. just be careful and you'll be fine! love your blog! been reading since i found out you're a knitter! :)

    By Blogger gleek, at 11:13  
  • Erin,

    Too many medications are you being given or just medications, for what ever reason, that you have been given without your consent. I understand this is all in the name of science, but I am as of yet to see the world guinnea pig 'tagged' by your name, so do be careful.

    And as for wanting to ask me questions, I would enjoy it, have nothing to hide and would not respond if I felt you were trying to pity or placate me. Do it from your heart and you will find that I most certainly will answer, the best I know how, through my experience and through my soul.

    Peace and I am serious when I say be careful. There is a master plan for all of this, but there is no need to be given false direction as a divertion, unless you were and are aware of the consequences, and maybe then, it was part of the plan all along.

    By Blogger the warrior, at 11:23  
  • Good luck with the bed-rest thing. Sounds maddening.

    By Blogger CoherentDelirium, at 00:56  
  • Anyone heard of a pharmacy site called www.1medstore.net? I got great generic Ambien from them delivered to me in quickly. I used the promo code FIRST and I got $15.00 off my order. I know it is still valid since my friend just ordered...anyone else heard of www.1medstore.net? I really like them! Sarah

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 20:35  
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