stardust holiday
chronicles of the chronically (and voluntarily) bedridden


29 April 2006
3500 hits in one day... wow.

it's been a long day with not much to break up the monotony of hospital life. i'm going to take my sleeping pills soon and black out another night where i would be wide awake and talking with friends. i'm not a fan of this kind of medicating, to correct sleep schedules and chemical imbalances. (vertigo is another story.) i'd rather let my body rhythms flow their own way, but instead i'm an inconvience, a protocol deviation. sorry, not a morning person.

i've been thinking a lot about the comment from eric and his whole situation. how does one deal with the thoughts that you are simply waiting to die? we all are in the nihilist "who gives a shit" kind of way, but putting a timeframe on it? a specific date? what do you accomplish in that timeframe? do you feel like accomplishing anything at all? what wishes do you fulfill? which do you leave out? what's your list? do you not care about pickup lines with pretty girls anymore and go for the best laugh? how do you achieve inner peace at that point? or is it constant turmoil? accepting or angry? what's the most important to you? does it change from day to day? (none of this is specifically at eric, but i would be curious to know his answers.)

i ask all these things because i wasn't able to ask my father twelve years ago. i ask because my own mortality scares the shit out me. i used to be a teenager, completely invincible. i used to say "i'm not afraid of death" but i know now that was premature. i used to be big, bad and fearless. now i've grown up and know that every day is potentially my last. i used to scare people by saying things like "i'm not afraid of death" and now i hear that and i'm scared for the person saying it.

ok, ambien is kicking in and the train of thought has kind of gone off track, so i'm going to be done for the night.
22:27 :: :: permalink
  • best regards for you:*

    By Blogger joanna, at 11:57  
  • ......what is the most important thing?

    By Blogger Oberon, at 11:59  
  • Hellow im from spain and my english is bad but your blg is good :)

    By Blogger La más guapa, at 13:45  
  • Fear is brought on the the unknown. Death and talking about can be terrifying. I watched my own father die a few years back and it brought very mixed feelings and emotions.

    By Blogger bardouble29, at 13:50  
  • 3500 hits is great!

    By Blogger SF Photorama, at 14:19  
  • thoughts of our mortality are so frightening because its the biggest unknown that we will ever have to face. The fact that we don't control what happens to us afterwar. Sometimes its scary to live with this thought. But what else to do?

    Does staring down our mortality make us feel more alive?

    By Blogger Christy, at 15:08  
  • First of all I wish you well. I enjoyed reading what you have to say.

    If we dont have laughter, or those cheezy pick up lines or the enjoyment of the occasional take out food and B movie...then whats the point. Its the simple things we take for granted that make up our lives..the ones that bring us a smile isnt it? Those things along with the people who star in it are the important things.

    By Blogger Jen, at 19:10  
  • The Bene Gesserit chant from "Dune"

    "I must not fear.
    Fear is the mind-killer.
    Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
    I will face my fear.
    I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
    And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
    Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
    Only I will remain."


    Keith Cowing
    NASA Watch

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 19:20  
  • Erin,

    I have resonded to your questions the best I know how. ANd I thank you for wondering. It is raw emotion so accept what you want and disgard the rest. It is only my viewpoint. I am living it and experiencing it, but critics abound...Check it out, you might just relate a bit. It is called, in passing and can be found on my blog.

    By Blogger the warrior, at 22:08  
  • I just happened to see your blog advertised on the main page. Wow. I've never heard of someone doing this before. Wow.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 00:22  
  • Hey Erin,

    Don't be so afraid of death. We all have to die one day or another. The only thing we should fear is not living the way we should be. The older I get, the more I understand that it is not how long we live. It is how well we live, and what we do with our life while we have air in our lungs.

    You look like you are doing really well so far, and I bet you have many years ahead of you.

    By Blogger Peter Matthes, at 00:23  
  • Death and taxes are inevitable. The best way to really live is to regard each day as the last one you have on this Earth- then there will be a sense of urgency about life. In actual fact this feeling is a correct presumption because we really don't know if tomorrow will come.

    By Blogger serendipity, at 05:07  
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