02 April 2006tonight jay called me from carries's birthday party, and i talked to... jay #2, carrie, jay #1, craig, nick, sam, amy and kyle. got a couple vague promises of visits, one visit confirmation from jay #2, and some revelations i might not have thought of before.
people are really freaked out about hospitals. and i didnt really give this kind of phobia the full credit it commands.
when i was nine, my father went into the hospital and never left, dying there almost two months later. being in the hospital every day with him, watching him waste away and succumb to cancer was terrifying. after that, i avoided hospitals like the plague. i had to bite my tongue and swallow most of the phobias just to come into the hospital for the initial testing, and now it doesn't really phase me. (much like exposure therapy for ptsd, perhaps) but when i'm being transported through the hospital down to the lab, i can't help but catch glimpses of it here and there, people walking through the halls with IV poles or laying in beds, looking like they haven't moved in days. it comes back in waves and almost makes me physically ill (or is that just watching the ceiling tiles and overhead florescents flash by?) so i started bringing knitting and crochet along on the ride so i have something else to focus on.
ok, so the long of the short of it is: i can relate to what they're feeling and while i can understand and empathize with their point of view...
but i've reassured people, time and again, that i'm not hooked up to wires and tubes and IVs and all that other crap. i'm perfectly healthy (ridiculously so) and there are no wires or anything else attached to me. hopefully people aren't as scared to come see me now.
and i'd love to eat crow on all the grumpy bitchy things i said about people in the first six weeks. i really really want to be wrong.