readjustment (or, post timequake apathy and those affected; or, someday you will be loved)

somehow i got really bad at returning phone calls. and emails. regular letters. thank you notes. somehow i can't tell if it's tuesday or saturday. i lose weeks like pencils, like buttons (is that how it goes?) i forget my purse in funny places, in cars that aren't mine, in stores and bars and everyone else's home. i'm constantly exhausted and reminded that i'm tired, like today when i didn't get out of bed until almost two because i just needed to sleep. i am always tired and always late for everything, if i manage to go at all.

i'm suffering from what could only be described as "Post Timequake Apathy" (it's vonnegut, you should know this already, and if you don't, go get "timequake") and it's basically goes like this: the universe decided to zap everyone back from 2001 to 1991, and the entire world had no choice but to live the past ten years over again. imagine ten whole years of deja vu. we were still fully conscious of the fact that we were living, we just couldn't do anything different, anything else at all. when free will kicked in, people sprawled in the streets and crashed their cars and forgot how to live. kilgore trout, an unlikely hero, starts waking people up with what later is known as "kilgore's creed" : you were sick, but now you're well, and there's work to do. i got so used to having a schedule handed to me, every day, it was so simple. you simply did things when the nurses came in and said "ok, it's time to..." and that was it. now i don't know what to do with my time, so often i do nothing at all.

i went back to working at the garage, three days a week, where people are really only impressed by the fact that i was on TV. except for brenda, who works in the actual playhouse and instead confided in me that she was an intellectual, but couldn't be one at work. i told her i could relate, and she gave me the name of a book that i should, no, needed to read. (it's saved in a pad of paper i was scribbling furiously in on... sunday.)


i also lost nearly all of my digital artwork that i made while i was in the study. one less accomplishment on my list. yes, the volta sound album artwork is gone too, three months and 12 feet of work, gone.

at this point what's worse, apathy or boredom?